GlossyVeneer

I needed to put something more cheery front and center on my site, so please accept my warmest Christmas wishes to all of you. You are a huge support to me and I appreciate the kindness, wisdom and humor you share with me.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Earlier this week Emilio Estevez was on the TV show Two and a Half Men. I didn’t watch the whole episode, I just saw a little clip. The first thing out of my mouth was, “Wow, he’s put on some weight.”

The second the words were out I hated myself just a little bit, not only for thinking that but also for vocalizing the thought. I don’t know Mr. Estevez, he could be a warm, kind human but the only thing I had to judge him on was exterior appearance and what he’d looked like in the past vs. now. I know, that’s no excuse for the snap judgment.

I’ve mentioned my struggles with weight, anorexia and negative self-image on here in the past. Over the past year-and-a-half I’ve put on about 20 pounds. I could still use a few more pounds, that’s an accomplishment that I should be proud of; but there is a part of me that also feels completely disgusted by that number. Twenty… that sounds like a lot and a 20 pound weight gain doesn’t have a lot of positive connotations in the “weight” world.

Want to know one of the crazy things that pops into my head as I gain this weight? I worry that I put myself out into the internet world too much and that people will look at pictures of me and make snap judgments the same as I did on an actor earlier this week. “Boy, she’s porking up.” I’m no blogging celebrity and I like to think that those who read my site have some kind of respect and compassion for me, even if we’ve never met in person. Most decent people, even if they did think that, wouldn’t tell me those thoughts if they had them either. But the irrational part of my brain keeps thinking those types of thoughts.

It’s sick and deranged, but I’ve always enjoyed it when people commented on my size. Very few people comment on how thin you’ve gotten in a hurtful way. Even when I was down to about 83 pounds, people would say “Wow, you’ve lost a lot of weight, good job!” I had one co-worker who said to me, “Are you turning Karen Carpenter on us?” That comment infuriated me, yet it was probably one of the closest comments to expressing some kind of concern about my size.

I canceled subscriptions to magazines like Shape and Self, they always had covers that proclaimed I could lose inches or pounds. I didn’t need that kind of commentary around when I was trying to gain weight. But I hate the gaining process. My mom and my husband tell me that I look better, healthier. I know they are telling me the truth, but inside there is still a seed that expresses self-doubt. And I feed that seed more that I should.

I don’t know how to get past this 100%. Especially in a world where so many people judge a person’s value and worth on their size and shape. In a world where even I, who has been struggling with these issues, immediately makes a comment on a stranger’s size if they’ve put on weight.

My running performance has not been up to par lately, I know I could be faster and go stronger if I fueled better. Yet I still have a running commentary in my brain, “How many calories of sport drink have I consumed? How many calories of fuel? How many calories am I burning?” Truthfully, I still fall into a pattern of counting calories obsessively and I kind of like seeing that I’ve come in below my intake levels. It’s horrible.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m doing a lot better than I used to, but it’s still a battle. One that I’m starting to fear I may have to wage for the rest of my life. Like an alcoholic, am I destined to always be some kind of “-ic”, always striving to find the perfect balance of maintaining a healthy body AND enjoying life?